by Marlene Maheu
“I just want to show people I love that I care, but I end up feeling resentful when they don’t do the same for me in return. If only people were as considerate toward me as I am toward them, I’d be a lot happier, and feel more secure. Something just isn’t right.”
Being of help to those you love can be very healthy and rewarding. Many books have addressed the issue of co-dependency, but it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between co-dependency and kindness. While co-dependency is not an official psychological term, it has come to describe a type of relationship where an individual gives of themselves, even when they don’t want to, or shouldn’t, for their own welfare.
Here are some ways to tell the difference:
Look for Balance.If you aren’t sure about whether you are being “too kind,” take a few minutes to complete this simple exercise. Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page. At the top, put the name of someone close to you. In the left column, write down all the things you did last month for this person, whether they requested it or not. At the end of the item, put a large “P” for pleasure, or “R” for resentment to distinguish which emotion you really felt, in your heart of hearts, about this activity.
In the right column, list all the things they did for you, either actively or passively, whether you requested or not. Show your list to an impartial friend. If your list is weighted much more heavily on the “giving” side, then you might be selling yourself out to gain acceptance from others. Now that you’ve read the exercise, take out a piece of paper and try it. It’ll be worth the trouble….) If you cons tly treat others better than you treat yourself, and are frequently resentful about how loved ones are treating you, consider the possibility that you are out of balance, or “co-dependent.”
To continue reading, check out Self-help: Co-dependency and Kindness
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